CAMDEN — I don't know exactly what all I feel about Dave Letterman retiring, except old, very old.
It's like the first time you realize you're older than Miss America, which seals the deal you already suspected -- that you'll never be Miss America. Not that you wanted to be, exactly, but eligibility is a whole other matter.
And right on the tail of that, you're suddenly older than your alma mater's football coach, who was an ancient man when you were rah-rah-sis-boom-bahing at the school, but suddenly this new one looks younger than his behemoth players.
Then, later on, you're older than the president, for heaven's sake, the leader of the free world. Guess you'll never be president, either.
And so it goes, till you're older than all your childhood heroes and old-women role models and various novelists when they wrote various books.
Now hip Letterman's retired, but it's OK because it's harder and harder to stay up late enough to watch. When Johnny Carson quit, it was poignant, but not relevant; You knew he would. Carson was of my parents' generation, not that my parents ever stayed up late enough to watch Johnny Carson.
Letterman was a different kettle of fish. He is in my age bracket. And, except for the suit, he was somehow different.
As the evolution of comic hosts went, Letterman was an amphibian, sliding up out of a smarmy, star-struck sea.
Letterman was an irreverent, smarty-pants anti-star, the Jack Nicholson hold-the-chicken of talk-show hosts. He didn't always go gaga at the sight of a comely movie actress. He seemed to like the female comics better.
Dave Letterman was political, though in the same understated but obvious way he was everything else. His targets weren't broad or easy, most of the time. He paved the way for Jon Stewart and other, brasher models.
By the way, I always thought Roseanne Barr would have made a great late-night talk-show host, but then women aren't allowed to preside over late-night talk shows at all. It seems to be one place the glass ceiling won't crack.
Roseanne and Dave have the same wit, dry, and the same enemies, humorless establishment types who think all women should be pretty, men handsome and politicians sacrosanct.
The No. 3 thing I'll miss about Letterman: Having an extra drink to stay up late enough to watch the show.
No. 2: Jokes about Dick Cheney's daughter.
No. 1: Trying to remember the next morning what was so funny that he said last night.
(Rheta Grimsley Johnson most recent book is "Hank Hung the Moon ... And Warmed Our Cold, Cold Hearts." Comments are welcomed at [email protected].)